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Celebrating Urban Life Since 1989

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Are Our Cows Unhappy?

Are cows actually happier in California? I’ve watched those commercials and wonder what New York has to say in response to the aggressive advertising being produced by other states. We need to ask which polling organization tallied the results that elevated California Heifers so high; was it Gallop, or Zogby or CBS/Time. Viewing these happy creatures talking about how worry free their lives are, it’s something every New Yorker should have their underwear in a knot over.

Are our critters unhappy? Do they have issues? Sure they do, but it’s something they can overcome. I listened to some Driscoll Strawberry’s from Cal-ee-for-niah as (Auh-nald would say.) These were seductively displayed as a bright red glistening vision of what a strawberry is supposed to look like on a Saturday night. Much like a piece of fruit doing a pole dance, “I’m red and perfect and I want you!”

From behind me there were some strawberries from Baldwinsville, a kind woman interceded and told me to, “buy local.” Allright, I bought the not as attractive strawberries from Baldwinsville. These turned out to be so sweet I concluded that they were very, very happy strawberries.

When I see a promotional “Pure Michigan” television commercial complete with a gleaming tower of corporate failure GM in clear view, somehow a wholesome, folksiness still comes shining through. I have no desire to visit Michigan but those commercials are like a warm beverage on a chilly morning. It’s as if they have kidnapped the “You’re under our care” voice from Kinney Drugs and are holding it hostage.

Back to New York, do we have a theme song any longer? I mean now that Sinatra is gone, so is “It’s up to you New York, New York.” Of course, he was really from New Jersey anyway. Oh, I know what it is… “Hello, I’m Yo-lan-da Vega for the New York State Lottery our numbers for tonight are … ”

Seriously folks, we have lots of “Happy Products” from New York, but we’re about as efficient at marketing these, as the Syracuse Sky Chiefs management is at operating a baseball stadium.

Perhaps it’s time for a new song to demonstrate to the world that we too have “Happy Cows,” “ecstatic lettuce,” “agitated apples” and “more wine grapes than the classic TV show ‘I Love Lucy,'” where legends Lucille Ball and Vivian Vance crushed grapes with their 20 toes. With all these apples why not bake a “happy pie?” Pie makes people happy for sure.

Perhaps we could promote Dinosaur Barbeque with dancing sauce bottles, or locally produced Terrell’s Chips in a face- off with Wise. Giannelli’s meat products rival anything produced in this country, so there’s another happy product we could promote. I’m tired of seeing those annoying Happy Cows from Cal-ee-for-niah (sorry Auh-nald). What we’re not being told is that it gets hot in Cal-ee-for-niah and milk tends to curdle under those conditions. Take that you happy heifers.

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