Love in 2014

I get a little embarrassed sometimes when I tell people I have never been on a date. The truth is I am in my mid thirties, a single mom who has NEVER dated. Meaning, NONE has ever come to my door, brought me flowers, taken me to dinner and a movie and brought me back home. There’s never been that awkward moment at the door where I get to contemplate, “do I kiss him goodnight? Do I invite him in?” Nope, not for me. Why? Because I never gave myself the chance.

My first mistake, I am a serial relationship monster. Since the time I could spell boyfriend I had one. And no matter the age I was in “relationships” my entire adolescence. As a young adult I spent close to 10 years in a relationship and now after all the time has passed, I have some kids and a whole lot of mileage to show for it. And yes there were dinners and movies but we were already together so I refuse to count that. He never dropped me off at the door, we lived together! And even before all of that we were young so a date was a movie or stopping to get pizza. There weren’t any damn flowers!

As that relationship ended I found myself regressing. Returning to childhood ways, group dates, meeting up at the club and after we’d head to Denny’s for breakfast. That was the closest I have ever gotten to a real date. Now I’ll be honest and say there was a time where I was involved with a guy who was incarcerated. When I would visit him we would sit and talk for hours about life and relationships, politics and drug laws. It was a very interesting experience and to him these were dates. Sprites and chips from the vending machine and conversation. Well I have to say if I had to grade it I’d give it a 9 out of 10. So maybe I have been on a date technically, just not one that didn’t include a room full of people, a corrections officer, and occasional drug smuggling.

But that was years ago and I am finding it very difficult to find real love in this day and age. Don’t get me wrong, finding “love” in a temporary sense is no challenge at all. I even have a few girlfriends that are not shame to say they are all about the one night stands or quick hook ups. That’s not my speed but who am I to judge what works for them, I’m in no way a prude but I’m so not interested in fly by night booty calls either.

So now I’m stuck in limbo trying to figure it out. I tried to take a break from men so that I could clear my head. Allow my heart to heal and bounce back from a devastating situation. Now I’m having a hard time restarting my engine. I’ve tried dating websites, being introduced to guys by friends. I had even gone to GOD about it. But there is something really sad about saying AMEN after asking the Lord to send you A MAN.

I’m not just asking for a man though, I want something serious. A relationship that will sustain and eventually lead to marriage but that just isn’t happening for this girl. Beside serious cannot happen when I work two jobs, I have my kids in programs, I want to start going back to church on Sunday…so where is mister right going to fit in?

My biggest struggle right now is trying to hide my frustration when I hear a woman talk about how happy she is single. How she doesn’t need a man…yada, yada, yada…BULL! Nobody is happy alone. Now true I am content in the things I have accomplished for myself, the life I am able to provide for my kids and the fact that I did it on my own. But a sista can sure use some support! I’m not saying I want a man to come in and take over, pay all my bills and just take care of me, unless of course that’s what he wants to do, then who am I to refuse? I want a partner, someone who is willing to meet me half way. Someone who wants to accomplish and build something. A man whose idea of a good time is planning vacations with his family, not going to the local bar and “blowing money fast” on the drinks.  

Unfortunately for me I also have a lot of single friends, and as hard as it is to find a man it can be 10x’s as hard when your girls are out looking for the same thing. So that creates an even bigger problem for the single woman on the hunt (S.W.O.T.H). we all know that women are territorial like animals, if we have a connection with a man then its most women’s belief we should be the only one to have that connection. There is a code among women and to break that code could create catastrophic results. But the truth of the matter is that same code can be a little unfair, if I do meet a guy and I start to like him, I have to run a few names past him just make sure that I’m not dipping into the “used goods” pot. I mean I definitely don’t want to share everything with my girlfriends. But if I have three girlfriends who have each been with at least 10-15 guys…well that is at least 25-40 men (depending if their numbers overlap or not), that I cannot even think about dating. Now when you factor in the men that are already in relationships, in jail, dead or seeing other men…well you can figure the rest out. This is hard! I didn’t pass statistics in college but this is not working in my favor at this point.

In addition to the challenges of finding a man, you have to take into consideration that a lot of these men out here know they are a hot commodity. They know that the ratio of men to women works in their favor so now they are able to play the field and be a little choosier in their selections. Not only that there are guys out here who prey upon the weak and lonely just to add extra notches to the their sexual belts. And they don’t even have to work hard for it!

There is nothing on this earth more disgusting than going out on a Saturday night and when you walk into the bar/club, all you see is a bunch of women dressed to the nine’s like its prom season for grownups and the guys have on dirty sneakers, run over boots and a du-rag! The level of desperation has become so obvious the men are taking notice. They sit back and watch the women pick each other apart, whispering and pointing, “accidentally” spilling drinks on each other, having stare down competitions all set up for their personal enjoyment. And unfortunate we as women don’t even get it. Most women can’t even give each other a compliment without there being suspicion of a hidden meaning or thoughts of disrespect.

I’m not asking that men show up to the club with a three piece suit on, but it sure would be nice to see a man without ashy knuckles and a t-shirt on. It has become so bad I just sit in the house to avoid what I already know is going to happen. I love to dress up, I hate being gawked at. I do not like to be showered with bs compliments. I much rather a man approach me respectfully and with his honest intentions. If a man has a girlfriend I want him to say that upfront. Don’t tell me you have a “situation”, because I don’t know what that means and I don’t want any part of it either way.

I had a gentlemen approach me with house shoes on smelling like urine and when I politely explained to him I was not interested he proceeded to tell me that I was in no position to be “picky” that women need to stop being so stuck up and be grateful that a brother is showing us attention…I had to pray. I go out and all I see is men that usually a women would not give the time of day being swarmed by every single woman in the spot. We have become a bunch of attention starved monsters who troll around half clothed vying for attention. When we dress to go out now, it’s in full armor because this is war in these streets! Make up, tight dress, breast out, all hoping to get noticed just so we can pretend we don’t care. How sad. 

So now I wonder if that special someone even exists for me. Have I already passed him up? Was he a guy that I thought was too nice? A friend with potential? I saw on a television show once when a character was frustrated about not being able to find true love. His ex-fiancé said to him, “she is coming as fast as she can and when she gets here, all the waiting won’t matter.” I’m holding on to that and I hope and pray it’s true. Because finding love in 2014…may be the hardest thing I will ever have to do.