Making “them” pay

This column is a parody of the legal profession no individual lawyers are mentioned (or harmed) in this column and any familiarities with commercials airing, actual cases or lawyers marketing efforts is coincidental and mentioned for entertainment purposes only.

Have you noticed the recent change in attorney’s commercials? Gone are the claims of general payouts for the clients’ lawsuits. It appears that “The Great Recession” has driven some lawyers to the bottom of the pile.

You’ve seen the commercials, “did you take the medication (Insert medication here) if so, you could be entitled to payment for your injuries, which may include pain and suffering.”

Next, here comes the guy with the hard hat and fake deep voice, “I’m a construction worker and I went to (insert name here) and they helped me get a settlement.” The voice-over continues, “Construction work is hard and it’s the employers job to make sure conditions are safe, when you need an attorney call (insert name here), simultaneously the visual on the television shows a person falling off a ladder, “oops!”

“Time to call ‘blank, blank and blank’ ’cause I can’t get outta my own way.”

And, of course, you can’t discuss attorney commercials without bringing up the “slip’n fall.” As the commercial says, “Stores have a responsibility to keep their places clean and free of conditions that can cause injury. When they don’t …call me (insert attorney name here) I’ll make them paaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.”

I know some people who I wouldn’t let onto my property in a 20 below- zero blizzard because they’ve sued everyone except their momma, (just give them time, “don’t like your momma we’ll make her pay”).

What was once a noble profession has been reduced to ambulance chasers and vultures that swoop down and devour anything edible or in this case sue-able.

Like everyone else of my age, I grew up watching Perry Mason and other great TV litigators who threw down the gauntlet in defense of the defenseless and in pursuit of the powerful. Those lawyers didn’t have commercials or even advertising budgets.

At one time a lawyer’s reputation was their calling card, “word of mouth” told people whether they were a good, bad, effective or incompetent litigator.

Now due to the feeding frenzy of this profession anything is game for the business of law. Have you noticed the following?

Women cheats with married celebrity retains Gloria somebody, Glo’s client repeatedly says “I feel used” as she sobs towards the cameras.

One “lawyer” on CNN grills suspects like they’re steaks on a skewer; one woman allegedly committed suicide after one of those searing interrogations. er… um…I mean “interviews.”
The newest commercial, “Do you own a Toyota Prius or some other vehicle that’s been recalled by the car company? It’s time to get paid!”

Today, there are make believe stopgap measures for the common man or woman having legal issues. Take for example, agencies like the New York State Attorney General’s Office. But unless the complaint is about a big-time insurance company, Wall Street firm or marquee magnet you won’t get much attention.

Save your stamp if you’re considering a complaint, by the time they’ve gathered enough evidence to go after someone it’s too late, or you’ve aged considerably making the case nearly impossible to substantiate.

Unfortunately finding a good lawyer is like going to Dollar General. Sometimes there are great bargains and other times the product should have been chucked in the garbage. But it doesn’t matter cause they’re gonna make us pay them no matter what.