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Mirror, mirror on the wall: Urban CNY’s annual guide to what not to wear

It’s that time of year when the temperature goes up and the clothing comes off and we’re obligated to publish our annual “What not to wear” editorial.

The editor doesn’t pretend to be an expert in haute couture – top fashion, for those of you who don’t speak French – but in this era of individuality we must bust on the freakish frocks and those who stand guilty of hair and clothing abuse.

The city of Syracuse and Onondaga County should consider replenishing their dwindling revenues by hiring Fashion Police. Can’t you see it? “Excuse me, miss, but I have to give you a ticket.” A stunned mall shopper replies, “But why, officer?”

He takes a deep breath, pulls out a standard issue instrument and shows the offending person all the proof he needs. “Look into this mirror, you can see for yourself.”

Some women have gone overboard piling on yards of hair. You can imagine some poor creature running around bald so that everything she needs – lipstick, cell phone, makeup – can be stored in her ‘do. Here’s a hint, ladies: if a bird attempts to nest on your head, you have purchased too much hair!

Fellas, you don’t get off easy. If you haven’t done a sit-up in 17 years and the closest you’ve come to a six-pack is Keystone Lite, put your shirt on. This is not your backyard. And if you are over 40, sporting earrings makes you look like an unemployed pirate. “Arrrrgh! Ahoy, mates!”

And then there are the children. Parents, unless you want some old “coot” staring at your kids’ butt, don’t put sayings and slogans on your children’s behinds – people of all types will read the text, some more closely than others.

On every closet door, this maxim should be mounted: “If it doesn’t fit, you must toss it.” Clothing has been abused by excessive tugging, pulling and unmitigated stretching to the point where, if you listen closely, you can hear some people’s clothes speak, “Let me go…I’m about to pop!”

Perhaps the next high-tech invention will be the “Mirror-Mirror” app for your iPhone or tablet. Look into the lens and simply ask, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, should I wear this frock at all?”

Whenever you see celebrities on TV or magazines photographed in undeniably dysfunctional clothing, don’t you mutter out loud, “What were they thinking?” And muttering turns into a chuckle. Just imagine producing an Academy Award-winning short film where the space aliens attack America.

Earthlings, in their panic to escape, are eaten like crickets, and the first to go are those with clothing that’s either so tight that they can’t run or so loose that they fall down as creatures gobble up the human prey with reckless abandon.

In the end, the last people on earth have sensible shoes and clothing that allowed them to escape when they were told, “Run for your lives!”

Think about it.

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