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The E True Hollywood Story Update: Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer-Scandal hits the North Pole

They made us sing this song in elementary school that sticks to you like hot oatmeal on a cold winter morning.

“Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him you would even say it glows
All of the other Reindeer used to laugh and call him names…..”

Hmm? Sounds like Rudolph suffered emotional abuse from his peer reindeer during his formative years. This abuse wasn’t limited occasional “ribbing” from fellow reindeer his tormentors may have including Santa Claus himself.

“What’s wrong with your boy?” Santa would say to the young Buck’s parents. If you believe the televised story of his struggle Rudolph ran away with an outcast Elf, (Hermie who wanted to be a dentist) they landed in the Land of the Misfit Toys.

One foggy Christmas Eve Santa went to Rudolph and said, “Rudolph with your nose so bright won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”

In a defiant move Rudolph says, “Hell no Santa I’m not guiding no damn sleigh this Christmas. Remember the names you called me? You didn’t even want me to play in the traditional Reindeer games, ‘Cause I was different, guide your own sleigh”

Now outcast and angry Hermie the Elf and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer stage a work stoppage for better wages, E.L.F (Elf Labor Federation) Local 110 demands repair for broken toys and the Reindeer Teamsters North Pole Local 1099 want better work conditions for their once a year jaunt around the globe.

“This is not glamorous work, we suffer Hoof-splints, sway-back and motion sickness” said retired Reindeer Ms. Dasher-Elmo Gibson.

The labor agreements didn’t last long and soon the Reindeer were replaced by Federal Express trucks and the dear Elves who for generations created the Chatty Kathy Dolls and stuffed Teddy Bears were retired to the old Elves Home replaced by cheaper labor in China.

In the meantime Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer married Clarisse and did eventually agree to lead Santa’s sleigh especially with the global warming Rudolph was especially useful. He and Clarisse became celebrities at the North Pole and their duty-free gift shop has become successful. It would all be a Disney- like- crazy happy ending until the Fall of 2009.

Unbeknownst to his peers, Rudolph had become a Reindeer male stud as he was the most popular buck during rutting season. The life of adoration came crashing down when an Anchorage, Alaska newspaper ran a story about a “Rudolph Love Child”. Accompanying the article was a photo of a baby doe with her little nose flashing a hot pink beacon.

Embarrassed by the situation Clarisse and the children left to live with her mother for a while escaping the glare of E.T.N. (the Elf Television Network) which had shown viewers a tearful interview with a disguised doe telling the world of her trysts with the famous reindeer. “I feel so used”, the young doe gushed. As she sobs the camera shows the shadow of her wiping tears from her face.

As quickly as it came Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer’s celebrity status plunged, endorsements were cancelled. The Reindeer food supplement with his glowing nose on the package was pulled from the shelves. The Dr. Scholl’s Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer products such as Red Nose Hoof and Antler cream stopped selling and were sent to Dollar Stores across the globe.

Rudolph knowing his reputation and lifestyle are at stake took immediate action. He booked himself on Oprah. Where he issued a tear infused apology to his family and fans.

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