What not to wear: 2011 Edition

It’s that time of year when the temperature goes up and the clothing comes off and I’m inspired to write my annual “What Not to Wear” column. I don’t pretend to be an expert in haute couture (top fashion) but in this era of individuality I must bust on some of the freakish frocks and those who are seemingly guilty of hair and clothing abuse.

If the City of Syracuse and Onondaga County want to increase their coffers the best way is to hire Fashion Police. I can see it now: “excuse me, miss, but I have to give you a ticket.” A stunned mall shopper replies, “but why, officer?”

He takes a deep breath pulls out a standard issue instrument and shows the offending person all the proof he needs. “Look into this mirror, you can see for yourself.”

Some women have gone overboard with yards of hair as I imagine some poor creature running around bald so everything she needs — lipstick, cell phone, makeup — can be stored in her ‘do. If a bird attempts to nest on your head you have purchased too much hair!

As someone who doesn’t subscribe to Vogue there’s something disconcerting about sky blue hair with a matching sequined top. The only thing that topped the blue-themed outfit was the recent sighting of bright pink hair with a matching top.

Fellas, you don’t get off easy. If you haven’t done a sit-up in 17 years and the closest you’ve come to a six-pack is Keystone Lite, put your shirt on. This is not your back yard. And if you are over 40, sporting two earrings makes you look like an unemployed pirate. “Ahoy, mates!”

Keeping the labels dangling on baseball caps: a new trend?
No, Nashville’s Grand Ole Opry country comedienne Minnie Pearl was known for wearing a hat with a price tag that read $1.98. “Howdy!” she’d yell.

And then the children. Parents, unless you want some old “coot” staring at her butt don’t put sayings on your children’s behinds – people will read the text.

On every closet door, this saying should be mounted, “If it doesn’t fit, you must toss it.” Clothing has been abused by excessive tugging, pulling and unmitigated stretching to the point that if you listen closely you can hear some peoples clothes speak. “Let me go… I’m about to pop!”

Whenever I see results of dysfunctional clothing choices I mutter out loud, “what were they thinking?” And my muttering turns into a chuckle when I imagine producing an Academy Award-winning short film where the space aliens attack America.

Earthlings, in their panic to escape, are eaten like crickets, and the first to go are those with clothing that’s either so tight that they can’t run or so loose that they fall down as creatures gobble up the human prey with reckless abandon. In the end, the last people on Earth have sensible shoes and clothing that allowed them to escape when they were told, “Run for your lives!”